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In a rush of shame I’d completely disconnected from my crappy dial-up internet before I could fully register what I was doing. The shame I’d felt then was a million times worse and I’d hid my status as offline for three days before I worked myself up to facing him again. Brian had never said anything but that I shouldn’t apologize and he was just glad I hadn’t gone ‘poof’ on him. He teasingly did say he had gotten a glimpse of heaven before the gates slammed closed in his face. I snapped back to the present. ‘You know I wanted to show you more that night, it was exciting. It’s just …’ I trailed off. ‘I’m a coward. I’m trying out a new motto about having the courage to get what I want but it doesn’t always stick with me. Just like now I’m dying to hear you talk dirty to me but, well I guess I just told you but I didn’t mean to. So does that still count?’ I drew in a deep breath. ‘Because I do want this. I just don’t know how and I do it a lot, but I hate making a fool of myself.’. Here she was, once more with her head spinning from too much to drink, surrounded by loud, boisterous, crude talk.Worse, she wasn't even in her own home, where, if things got out of hand or her own emotional breaking point was reached, she could have fled to the sanctity of her bedroom. Or what was left of that sanctity, she concluded harshly. Howard had changed so drastically, especially since that night when she had allowed those nude Polaroid pictures to be taken... for since then, there had been three successive nights when he had wanted to repeat that horrible performance, to once more set up the tripod and camera and writhe in abandon on the rug, or, as the case last night, on the bed. The very sheets seemed now permeated with debauchery, with the sins of carnality, and the remembrance of how he had tried again to push her head down on his penis and the coldness with which he had treated her afterwards when she had refused to do it brought tears brimming to her eyes. She wiped.
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