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I found it torturous if the conversations lasted and she appeared to be enjoying another man’s company. It was always with some relief when they asked for her name or number, as they so often did, that she would politely smile and ignoring their request respond with, “It was a great pleasure speaking with you”, before turning to exit the train. Once, early on, she suddenly turned toward me and caught my gaze before I could divert away. I held it for a second without registration and then nonchalantly resumed peering at the newspaper I pretended to read. I never let her catch my eye again. I was biding my time, counting on chance to someday place her next to me. That I might speak to her without her knowledge of my growing obsession was what I had hoped. It was unusually crowded on the train that day. The only relative peace I found was in the crowded alcove between the two forward most train cars. Once again my spirits sagged since where I had seen her standing would place her two. As another example of the sort of things I was saying to Carol these days, after a while on my lap, Carol said, "I suppose I'd better give Julia a turn." She started working her way forward to get off, the wheelchair's armrests made getting off sideways too difficult.I pulled her back, saying, "You get first dibs on being with me, Carol. You can stay until you feel you've had enough lap time. Julia knows how important you are to me, and this is how things are going to be in the future, so she'll wait."Carol had a low opinion of her value, and she couldn't believe that someone as smart, successful and sought after as me would want to - as she put it - "waste your time with me." It'd taken a couple of weeks of daily phone calls and lots of talk during the weekends to convince Carol that I did value her so highly. When she did start accepting that I truly valued her it affected her very deeply, and the happiness it gave her was obvious to everyone. Julia and Ava were also spending a lot.
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