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Yeast and hops cannot make you forget the sight of cocaine being freebased by a woman you have loved for three years. It does make a continuation of the living process slightly less difficult. Spoken like a true alcoholic. Maybe with a little practice… I would love to just up and judge myself a complete asshole for lacking the gumption to yell and scream and cause a scene, for lacking the ability to show up at her house every day and sit with her, talk to her, until she got disgusted enough with herself to quit on her own. It is, I think, too bad that life does not follow the same logic as the stories I write. If it were a story I had been thinking of, I would not have had such a dearth of strength. This year has been the most difficult yet, and I am left weak. If I go to hell for anything, it will be that. Perhaps one day, I will be a good enough person to destroy myself for another. But on the porch, with a beer in my hand I wasn’t that cool. The argument I use to console myself. Finally I said"It is a good thing you have money"He said "Why" I replied '"Because you obviously went to great andunnecessary expense to seduce me"He laughed "seduction builds the anticipation"I smiled and said "I don't even like foreplay"I said" this doesn't change anything"He replied "I never give up and I always get what I want"I replied"Not this time pal"He took my advice on his estate and paid me a fat fee. We continued tosee each other about twice a week for sex. But I refused any furtherpayments.Every once and a while Randy would try to get me to commit to him but Ialways refused. He suggested that I should live full time and is will topay for facial feminization surgery, but again I refused.Finally about a year later, I was at his place one afternoon; he wasbeing particularly ardent in fucking my ass, when he suddenly stopped. Iyelled"Come on old man, I am almost there, don't stop now!" but there is noanswer, and no response. In a panic I turned around, his eyes wererolled.
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