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For fuck's sake what sort of name is that? It should be ‘I am a lazy fuckwit who should not be allowed a keyboard’ ly.Anyway, rant over. My problem started last Thursday. It had been a typically quiet day around here. The sun popped out, the robin sat on the wooden garden fence and shat as usual, and her ladyship sat and did some work. Me, I was fast asleep until 3 o'clock, and then I was unceremoniously awoken from a yummy dream, dragged upstairs and thrown on the bed. It wasn't a surprise, really.Then, I got the shock of my life, and I have seen some shockingly bad things in my time (like a comma before and!). There was little me in her hand when the harlot knelt down and, and I am almost too emotional to say it, there I was staring at a glistening pink starfish. I squirmed, squealed, and even swooned, but it was to no avail. In I went. Not even with the thin bit of me, the big bulbous part pushed right in, no thought for me squashed like a marshmallow and shoved into her stink. ‘Can’t any of you call me John?’ The alcohol was hitting me hard now. Livy gave me a nasty grin. ‘Yes, sir. Whatever you want, sir.’ Her playfulness was obvious even through the fog of the alcohol and that just made me like her even more. She sat next to me and Jasmine sat on the other side. I saw the waitress and ordered more shots. Jasmine frowned at me. The waitress was back quickly and I held up the first one. ‘Here’s to the two most beautiful scantily clad women I know.’ They both smiled, but I could tell that they were not impressed. I was getting drunk too fast. That may have been the norm for some, but Jasmine knew I was not like that. Jasmine got up and left and I watched her nice bubble butt go. Then I turned to Livy. ‘So. How are you doing?’ She looked at me funny. ‘What?’ ‘Why are you getting drunk so fast?’ I stared at her a little. ‘Doesn’t matter. I just want to get drunk.’ I was a little surprised since they were allegedly around drugs and alcohol all the time. I took.
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