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He, being an ignorant male, always asks, “Did you come?” And she – a good girl - asks, “What do you think of me now?”Helen smiled, but it was not a happy one. Thinking for a few long seconds, she raised her glass, inviting me to clink for a toast. Then, facing me with a challenging look and even voice, Helen said, “You, Ben, don’t need to ask your Austrian question. And mine, not being a good girl, I better leave unasked.”She hesitated and looked down before she continued, “But there are things I want to tell you now that we have become lovers. We did become lovers, didn’t we - it wasn’t just a great fuck?”I reached across the table for both her hands and asked her to trust me. I assured her that nothing between us needed to be hidden, or justified, or excused. We had made the most honest beginning to our relationship that could be made.When I released Helen’s hands, she let them rest for a while to show me she was not withdrawing, before she leant back. She looked at me, smiled. “Son, you ain’t no son of mine, and I mean it. You’re a bastard. That monster, that devil incarnate, see, came over on the same boat as us. Always gambling and drinking and hitting us, he was. And when he lost to me at cards, he got so angry he went into a blind rage and hurt me the only way he could” and pa waved back towards the cottage and ma.“See, he is your real father. He knew I was sweet on ma, and so he raped her.”Dad paused, tears welling. “So I had to marry ma to protect her. What would people say? People did talk. But I swore to forever protect her.” He sank to his knees and sifted the soil in his hands as his tears fell on it. “And then, when she needs me, I’m not here!” dad crouched by the grave and shuddered.That was all that was said on that, but that short explanation expanded in my mind and has become a whole horrid story since.Pa whispered “Your ma fears you take after him. You’re a killer.”Now, I understood so much of the distance I had felt growing up. I had been.
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