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"I ask, "It would have to be very discreet, because you and I are the only ones who know about her problem."Bill says, "I know just the person. If they aren't busy I can have them here tomorrow."I head to Samantha's room, open the door and realize she's in the shower.I yell, "Sam, I'm right next door - let me know when you're done!"Samantha calls back, "Stacy, I should be done in about ten minutes."I go to my room, take a look at myself in the mirror, and I'm shocked at how worn I look. I call Bill on the intercom and ask, "Bill, could you call Sally's Beauty Shop and see if she does house calls?"Bill answers, "Ms. Summers, I'm betting she will be willing to come here even if she doesn't normally do house calls. From what I've heard around town, the people in Leadville are dying to get in here and see what we've done and she's the biggest purveyor of gossip in all of Leadville so naturally has the greatest interest in seeing the place."I think for a moment and decide, "Bill, let's. You show me pictures of loved ones and events, you tell me boring normal stories as if I could somehow just absorb your normality and all would be well. You plead for more time as if it would make a difference but you are appealing to the wrong saviour. Who is the more deluded? I have no regrets and no reason to fight this inevitability. I have seen and felt more to this point than you ever will. I’ve loved, lost, hated, born a child and lost a child. It is Christopher’s death that has finally allowed me to see past your smoke and mirrors. Don’t look like that. I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day for him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. Who’s being cruel? You held my boy at arms length, fearful to get too close. He accepted me as I am, as only a child can, and you could not. And.
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