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‘I managed to get through high school hating myself. And, it was a trip to New York with my lesbian girlfriend that gave me my answer. In a dyke bar that Leslie took me to I saw all manner of strange-seeming women. Punk types, collared Ms, leather-clad Ss, men dressed as women hoping to pass, and the clincher: real bull dykes who did their best to look like men. ‘And that way my solution. I liked the way those dykes looked, but they didn’t go far enough. They left traces of their gender since they were, after all, after lesbians. I wanted to go all the way. I had always admired men’s bodies and had, upon occasion, wondered what I would be like with a hard, flat, muscled body. So that’s what I set about getting. ‘It wasn’t easy or cheap. My dad, who died when I was 12, left me a very large inheritance which I came into when I reached 18. I began as soon as I graduated high school. I never told my mother. When she got sick a year later, the process had not gone too far for me to return. M. had occupied only moments before was not lost on me, but somehow, I didn't feel like laughing. In fact, I wasn't quite sure what I felt like.Scared? Shah! I had never been so frightened in my life! Humiliated - definitely. Angry, ashamed, all of these were part of the jumble of emotions swirling through me. Thing was, and this is what was so confusing, I was also hornier than I had ever been, even when I got a backstage pass to the Jonas Brothers. Confused? Oh, yeah! This was my bitch of an aunt who was doing this to me, with her sister not even cold in the grave yet!Aunt Margaret didn't give me a lot of time for introspection."I have tried to do right by you, Heather, because you are my sister's only child. I have been as patient as anyone could be with a self-absorbed little brat, but this community is my home, and these people are my friends, and you, prima-donna that you think you are, are not going to fuck this up for me! Your mother is gone, and she is not coming back, and.
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