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I heard the door open behind me and my mother andthe nurse who had stopped her joined us in the room. Several words wereexchanged between the doctor and the nurse. The doctor nodded and thenurse left.Mom told me that the doctor was an anesthesiologist and that she wasgoing to stay with me until I became unconscious.The doctor had me roll over on my side and my mother held my hand as Ifelt a painful prick in my spine."He's giving you an epidural," Mom said. "I had one when I gave birth toyou. Its only going to hurt for a minute or so and then you'll feelgood." Is it going to knock me out," I asked."No, I don't think so. At least it shouldn't. I think he'll give yousomething else to put you to sleep.The doctor covered my face with a mask after he finished giving me theepidural. I remember thinking that it smelled sweet, as my mother's faceand her voice drifted over me in the far distance.I thought I'd go to sleep and just pass out, but it wasn't like that. Iguess you'd call it. I feel all the more foolish for that. Foolish. And angry."Where are my socks?" I mutter. "Where are my goddam socks?" This time a lot louder. No more muttering.I tug at the bedspread. Yank the covers. Huff. Pull on my shirt without buttoning it. Snap my belt in place. Slide on my shoes without bothering to tie them."Where's this going?Sweat is dripping from my hair. It's burning my eyes. My voice is catching and I'm about to cry. I can hear myself breathing in short bursts."I don't know," she says. "You made choices. I made choices. In a way our lives are like a choose-your-own ending book, whether we choose to accept that or not." What the hell does that mean?" I say. "One second I'm all wrapped up in you, and then the next second you want me gone? How is that possible?"I feel frantic. If I had asthma, this is when I would need my inhaler. Bad. My breath is coming in gasps and I'm doing everything I can not to cry. My arms are shaking. I feel sick.She just stares at me. And I look.
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