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‘Then I was afraid you wouldn’t,’ Amber said, not looking at me as she continued to fold her laundry. I didn’t move from the door. ‘I really enjoyed that kiss,’ I admitted, ‘I was wondering if you enjoyed it as well.’ Permission. I always needed permission. Why couldn’t I just be that guy who grabs what he wants? That kiss should have been all the consent I needed. Amber turned towards me. There were tears in her eyes. Desire fled. ‘I shouldn’t have,’ Amber garbled her words, ‘I wanted to…my life is shit and I wanted something nice for once. It was really nice.’ I moved toward her and she leaned into me. I let her hide her tears in my shoulder as I held her. We stayed that way for a long time, the laundry forgotten. I avoided asking about her past. My curiosity was screaming at me, but it wasn’t mine to know. I suspected knowing would also cause more problems than not knowing. I could give her my shoulder. That was easy. Watching her cry, that was hard. My history was to run from. I didn't tell her that I had not grown taller.Someday, soon, I knew I'd have to ask her if I could see her in New York. I wondered if she would refuse. She was in a truly different world now. Had she fallen in love with someone? Surely, with her looks and her charm, she must have met someone in a big place like New York City. Each time I read her letters, I wondered how much she didn't reveal. I wondered, as I walked through the waxing snowfall that Easter, if, when I asked her about going to see her, she would then be forced to tell me that she had someone and that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to show up. Or if she had met someone and I did visit, what would I do when she introduced her boyfriend? And if she indeed had a boyfriend, why was I breaking my back for the money to visit her? What would be the point?Martha, I thought as I walked along with my carrier bag slapping my hip. Snowflakes smashed silently into my new lenses. Martha Jane.Just after Easter I woke up one.
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