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The chance of our meeting again was slim. All I had to do was not go to the coffee shop, leaving that particular task to Tabitha. He did not have my number so I did not need to worry that he would call. What a coward I was. I always prided myself with facing my fears now I was running away from a man. My cell phone started to go off. It was Tabitha. I answered with a need to hear that comforting voice of someone I trusted. ‘Hey there.’ ‘Hey yourself. So are you ready to go?’ She sounded excited. I wish I felt excited. ‘I’m not ready. My hair’s not done, I’m not dressed, and I’m not going.’ ‘Are you ill? Did you call him and reschedule?’ Her voice was filled with worry and more than a little confusion. I turned my head to look at my cat. He was curled up looking like a big fluffy white ball without a care in the world to plague his slumber. He relied on me to feed him, keep his litter box sanitary, and to keep him company. The boy had nothing to worry about. At that moment in time,. Still me. What I have been, what I will be.In the warm waters of the words she washes over me, a way forwardemerges. Beyond the comfort of knowing I can find a way, she hints thatall the things I need to know are knowable. That I can in fact know themall. With a murmured word or two and there with that gesture she shows mehow to make, we weave another patch of what might seem to be disguise orwhat it seems will be part of the surface me the world will see. We see -- perhaps she told me, or it was something I knew -- that if Isimply try to step into the space the world reserved for me, it will notwork. Not if after I pull my car into my space, it is now smooth andstockinged legs that swing out from the open door, not if it should bethe clatter of high heels that at the usual times makes an officeneighbor lift his head to mutter good morning. I could, of course, simplyfill up a suitcase, run off to another place -- I have done that before. But what might happen if I tried to slip into.
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