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"I took a deep breath, and then continued, "Now that's taken care of, youcan go away, since you really don't care about anything else. " I care." he said."I doubt that." I said, and turned away from him. The room got silent,and finally, he said, "Don ...I..." Save it." I said, cutting him off. "You have no idea what I wentthrough. None. And you really dont want to know, either. It would spoilyour little fantasy where I'm the bad guy, and the bunch of you just gaveme my just deserts. Well, I didn't deserve to be raped." I know you didn't. We never planned for that to happen." Maybe not, but by putting me in that position, you put a target on myback, and someone took the shot, so you're as much to blame as they are."I turned back to him, and looked him in the eye. " Would you like me todescribe what they did to me? "He turned white, and shook his head, and then I turned away from himagain, and said "So just go away, and don't come back."After a while, i heard his footsteps go away,. ” “You are going to wear a condom?” “Of course. You are soiled now. Until we can get you tested, you need to use condoms with anyone, including me. You will have to go to the doctor and tell him you have been a bad girl and get tested.” I knew that this was more about shaming me than it was about real fear that I had contracted a disease. I knew that Jim was going to make me admit to some of my very close friends, with whom I occasionally have unprotected sex, that I had violated his trust. He was going to insist they use condoms with me for the foreseeable future. As I walked to the dresser to retrieve the rubber for my husband, I knew that part of my punishment was the constant reminder that I was a bad little slut and I would not get to enjoy his semen, or anyone else’s, inside me for some period of time. And I knew I would comply. I would comply because he told me to. And I would comply because there was something in my warped psyche’ that aroused me to be shamed this way. I.
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