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She accepted the fact of my being attracted to girls, but I don’t think she was ever-able back then to see it as a permanent way to be, and I know she always hoped that I’d eventually turn into being straight. She talked with me a lot about sex and sexuality, but she never mentioned ever having had or wanted to have sex with girls. She wanted me to have an enjoyable sex life – bought me my first vibrator, “fixed me up” with my first boyfriend - and I did try. Partly I suppose because I loved her and wanted to please her and Dad.” “Didn’t you actually enjoy sex with boys at all?” “Oh, sometimes I did quite enjoy it, when a guy knew what he was doing, or when it was with someone I liked a lot. But even the most pleasurable sex with guys left me feeling somehow unsatisfied, as if there was something missing. Look what I did to poor old Dan; wore him out trying to get at whatever that something was. It wasn’t until I met Pilar that I found it. You must read about it.” “I’m going to – in. On that night they had gotten out of there, fast, but Mel took a breath and told the driver where she wanted to go and watched his smile turn to a frown. Umm&hellip,Maam, thats no place for a pretty young thing like you, especially dressed the way you are. You sure you wouldnt like me to take you somewhere else? I know some nice classy bars if youre new in town. No thanks. She assured him, though still feeling a sense of uncertainty. Ok. He shrugged as he pulled away from the kerb. Youre the boss, but I hope you know what youre doing! Soon the cab pulled up and she paid the fare, with the driver still shaking his head as he drove away. She hesitated at the door, before taking another deep breath and walking inside. This wasnt a place where you felt the ambience and absorbed the sounds and scents, it was an immediate and overpowering assault on several of Mels senses. A pungent haze of cigarette smoke did a reasonable job of dimming the lighting from the bare bulbs, but did nothing.
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