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-Phyllis DillerI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.-Phyllis DillerMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.-Phyllis DillerAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.-Phyllis DillerWe spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.-Phyllis DillerBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.-Phyllis DillerWhat I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis DillerThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.-Phyllis DillerHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.-Phyllis DillerOld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.-Phyllis DillerMy photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.-Phyllis DillerI. ”“Didn’t you hear me? I did not do it!”“I don’t believe you. Not after the calm cool way you informed me of what you were going to do and your absolute certainty that it wouldn’t hurt us.”“But I didn’t do it. Honest to God John, I did not do it! I’ll take a lie detector test if you want.”“You just don’t get it Alice. It doesn’t matter if you fucked him or not. What put an end to us was your letting me know after twenty-three years of being together just what you really thought of me.”“Thought of you? I don’t understand what you are getting at.”“Sure you do. The only way you could have so calmly told me that you were going to fuck another man is if you thought you were married to a man with no backbone. A pussy whipped wimp of a guy who would just sit there, listen and then say “Yes dear. Whatever you would like dear. Well I’m sorry that you misread me all these years, but THAT AIN”T ME!”“It was not that way. I know you aren’t that kind of man. I just thought that you knew how much I.
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