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..". "You did not scar me or give me demons. You opened my eyes and I told my mom all that happened."I can dream, eh?So, here we were in North Tonawanda. I suddenly wanted to write to a friend or two in Springfield.I went looking for my sheet of paper. I knew I had kept it in one certain place. And it was not there.Oh, no. No. It could not be.Mom could not remember if she put it some place else or if I had even packed it for our move.Well, wait a minute. I knew I had seen it shortly after arriving. It had to be in this house. It was not left behind.I never did find it. And at one point I know I vowed to myself to find a real hiding place to keep anything that I valued. I did not want anyone. Anyone. To be able to discard any of my life in a whim.I know I was sad about this. I tried to remember if I had really looked at that page. Sometimes I could look at a page and it was like taking a photograph. I could see the names and numbers. But it was a glance. It wasn't a full stare at it. How had I gone from a life I was so sure I wanted to a polar opposite? Did I have enough of whatever it took to hold onto Jeff? What, exactly, did it take? Would he get bored with me because I couldn’t keep up with him? Was I the person he said I was, or was he seeing what he wanted to see? This was so risky and scary and by far the most fulfilling thing I had ever done in my life. What would I do if I lost him? The very question filled me with such terror I trembled. ‘Are you chilly?’ He sounded incredulous. ‘Don’t be silly. It’s too warm. I just had a muscle spasm.’ Should I be sharing this with him? Would it make me less attractive to be recognized as so insecure? Would I be giving him more power over me? Would he always use it benevolently? This went way beyond the calculations that had served me so well in other relationships. Find their weaknesses and use them to always stay in control. I had no idea how to factor in anything with Jeff. Being seen as weak could be a strength,.
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