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.. and I sincerely belive that I am...your saying: that if I want to get laid tonight, it would be in my bestinterest were I to get on the stick and see what I can do about gettingall of that crude, gunk and tarnish off that new 'treasure' of your's." "Please!", Ann returned. "I promise: I'll make it worth yourwhile, Gene. "In fact, dear... if you'll see what you can do about cleaningup this lamp for me this afternoon, and not put it on that proverbialback burner of yours... y'know, like you tend to do with most of theprojects that I've asked you to do for me... I'll go you one better.Tonight, as a precursor to our love making... just to tickle thatperverse and perverted fancy of your's... I'll even go so far as to wearthat kinky little black satin maid's outfit that you gave me as, what Itook to be a gag gift, on my last birthday. High heels! Mess stockings!The works!" "You will!", Gene's tone signified that he was both intriguedand delighted with his wife's. I get up and begin a day I know I will dread, no hate. I do this because I have to and not because I want to or choose to. What I want seems to be a daydream I really never get to have. It drifts in and before it has a chance to form it disappears, elusively slipping between my fingers. I never seem to be able grasp it. It slides away, farther and farther, each time I try to reach for it. And then I wake up only to find I’m still trapped in this nightmare, a nightmare of a life with no joy, no happiness, no love, nothing but sadness for me. Each day I wake up. Each day I wonder. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to be as I would like it. Doing so would mean not considering you and your situation. So.
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