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More than that though, I feel feel out of place in my own body. I feel like I used to feel when I first started doing drag, which is funny because this is more or less the reverse.Presenting as masculine again is an interesting challenge, but I'm curious how long I'll go for it. I mean, it's not like I've ever been more masculine than relatively androgynous anyway, but it's kind of a weird, fun disguise. It's not like they haven't seen me dressed as me. I suspect that they will start walking on me if they feel like I made this change because of them. I think that's part of the point though. You know, like how the tide rolls out eerily fast in the moments before a tsunami.I keep thinking I've decided that un a week or two I'm going full femme for one day, then back to this weird masculinity suit the next. After that I'm going to do a slow transition back to the real me. I want them to see the contrast, and I want them to see it change slowly. Too ridiculous? We'll see. I. ‘I’m Ben, from Sanderson & Sons.’ I shook his hand and answered ‘Very nice to meet you’ and then added ‘Call me Susan!’ The elevators in my building aren’t small, but Ben – who wasn’t either extremely wide or very much taller than I am – seemed to fill the space with his presence to the point that I almost couldn’t breathe. Or maybe I just had to stop breathing to prevent myself from sniffing the air, his clean, natural man-smell spreading heat waves through my body like a wildfire. ‘Oh no’ I thought to myself ‘not now, not this man’. I could not possibly be attracted to this man, a man that would have access to my home, my safe haven. How I got through the discussion with Ben about my need for extra storage space and changes in the color schemes in both bedroom and living room, I don’t know. No man had ever put his foot inside my apartment, and having an attractive man walk around my two most important rooms made me feel uncomfortable and jumpy, with the added complication that all.
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