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At first, she had diagnosed it only in herself. It was something in her, she thought, that was the origin of her sexual alienation. The men she dated were kind, conscientious, seemingly courteous, but she couldn’t stand that. She couldn’t stand them in fact, after shorter and shorter intervals becoming more and more frustrated by their reserve. And because of this reserve, she’d extended the diagnosis of sickness to them too. Everything felt wrong. For Michelle, in every interaction and in every touch, she sensed a deep restraint, a contrivance that even familiarity could not kill. These men did not feel natural to her, every encounter one of extreme self-consciousness. She felt artificial in their gaze. There was no passion, there was no challenge; with sex, stripped of its occult aspect, she never felt endangered, and the more she felt she lacked it, the more profoundly she felt she needed it. And this was the sickness – a universal sickness - that as they became more restrained,. At least, I thought it did. I realized I'd forgotten to paint my toenails, and I didn't have press-on nails for my hands, but, those were details only I'd notice, I figured. Looking in the full length mirror, I was pleased with the overall look. I made a pretty good girl, as girls went. Still kind of looked like a guy, to paraphrase Suzanne Vega. The time was 5:30, and I had time to kill. Put on some soft jazz, poured a glass of wine, and took a few pictures.By 6:15, I realized he was late. I was considering changing outfits and taking more pictures, but figured as soon as I got half dressed, he'd show up.6:30. Nothing. I poured my second glass of wine and smiled at the lipstick smudge on the glass.6:45. No Charlie. He'd bailed. I'd give him until 7, and then go back to my original plan of self-indulging photos, and self-abuse.6:55. A knock at the door, and here's Charlie, all apologetic because he'd forgotten where I lived and had to stop for beer. He was obviously.
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