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He was nothing but a caveman compared to her and a far cry fromthe foppish and dull, but well-moneyed suitors who called on her from timeto time.Still it was nice to fantasize occasionally. Though if anything, itillustrated more the limitations of her position. She couldn't make lovewith anyone she chose, whenever she chose. She had to remain chaste untilsuch time as a husband was chosen for her. It was oftentimes frustrating.Even an ignoramus like Burt with less than a farthing to her name was farricher than she'd ever be in terms of personal freedom. An oaf like thathad nothing to lose - he had so little already. He could sleep with anyonehe chose, act anyway he liked, say whatever came into his head. Why, hecould get falling-down drunk every night if he had the monies to do it.Lack of money was the only thing holding him back. If he had that then thesky would be the limit!Yes, she enjoyed teasing Burt. It was gratifying to have men - especiallyburly strong men like Burt - so ruled. The kiss turns rough and altogether undefinable. He bites and soothes and groans. His hands never stray; he doesn’t touch anywhere inappropriate. Still, the hunger he feels is evident in every tongue stroke, in every deep sound from his throat.I forget I’m me, I forget about my past, I forget that I vowed I’d never be a “funny girl” to anyone ever again. I forget that I could get hurt, that this isn’t what I want, that I’m terrified of him.I just forget.But the next morning I remember.I glance at my reflection when I wash my hands and see my swollen lips and everything I tried to suppress comes back like a rubber band. And it stings. I’m the woman who had to move to a huge city because she desperately wanted to be swallowed up. I’m the girl who ran away from her boyfriend who thought it was fun to use her as his stress relief. I’m the idiot who bailed exes out of jail, who ignored the depletion of her bank account, who always turned into a fool for love. I can’t do it again. I.
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