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As it turned out, the external validation given to me then helped me in the more important internal validation I was to develop as a young man.The heat of the moment, coupled with our growing trust in each other, enabled us to surrender to our affection and our lust. Confessing, as I did - that I wanted her to pee on me - Jean just laughed and went for it with her customary enthusiasm and verve. Then, as she was straddling my lap, her body pressed against mine, my face between her breasts and her pee leaking into my lap... I blurted out a truth that surprised both of us. I told her that I wanted to fuck her.Holding her arms about my head, pulling me to her warm breasts, she remained quiet for a little while and then murmured softly, "Billy, I've never done it, and as much as I think I want to right now... I'm not ready."Her refusal didn't surprise me. My asking is what surprised me. I didn't respond. She hadn't expected me to."And if I were ready, Billy... I'm not at all sure that I. I could tell that Martha must have had to fold the flap firmly in order to seal it. I had never opened it. The seal remained intact. Now and then I would look at the envelope and wonder what was inside and wonder if I should get mixed up in it by opening the thing and reading the letter.Often in my bed at night, as I tried to sleep, I would see in my mind the flaming, smoking letters in the big metal drum in our back yard. I remembered the night I gathered them and all the other remnants, going through my room meticulously to make certain I'd overlooked nothing. I did it without pause, without thinking. Even as I was doing it, I didn't know why. I vaguely recall Fiore saying "You can't go back, only ahead." I knew of no other way to go ahead. If I felt an emotion welling up, I thought about something else as I gathered and burned the memories. I allowed only unrelated thoughts to enter my head. I told myself that if I could ignore pain when I worked out, I could ignore pain any.
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